So I have lots of work I should be doing and lots of things I'd rather be doing but instead I'm writing this really quickly just so I don't go insane in the meantime. Life lately seems to be easily summed up in the one word title of this entry...tedious. I know I'm blessed for every day God gives me, but lately I feel like I'm just passing the time, just getting through each passing day. It's hard to describe, but lately I feel paralyzed in a constant stream of pressure. My older sister just got accepted into Dentist school and I can't help but be reminded that I have no idea what I plan to do with my life. Yes I want to write...but I am not particularly fond of the thought that if that doesn't bring in any money I could live in a box on the side of the road...or with my parents (sometimes I'm not sure what'd be worse). Don't get my wrong, I love my family an abnormally large amount but even I doubt it would be a good idea for me to live with my parents for an indefinite period of time again at this point. Anyway, I just feel motionless a lot lately. It's like I'm scared to hope for things, scared to reach out to people because there are so many people who have proved they are just completely full of shit that it just doesn't really make me want to try anymore. People seem so fickle and it is so hard to trust people when if you think about it you may never really know anyone. I mean, you can know someone your whole life and not know everything about them. This isn't to say that I would want to know everything about everyone I meet (because I know I don't have enough room in my head for that and really I don't care to know) but I mean there are things about you that you may never tell another living soul which means this is likely how it is with everyone else too. I dunno...my problem seems to be that I get this idea in my head about how people are and then I refuse to see reality for the longest time until it comes back to haunt me. I seem to be the queen of this area...I mean honestly, who out there has actually dated someone who lied to them about losing a limb for a whole week as a joke (oh that's hilarious honey, thanks for treating me like I'm totally mentally inept, that's definitely what turns me on you know) because I've never heard of anything like that happening to anyone else I know. The weirdest thing is that there really doesn't seem to have been any reasoning behind it besides a fucked up sense of humor. But that was a while ago now...still, it really stings when people treat you badly and everyone seems you to just take it and move on. It makes me wish there was some kind of switch I could flip to just turn off my emotions for a while because I swear they get me in a ton of trouble. At the same time I know that wouldn't really fix anything, but it sure sounds like a nice quick fix for things. I'm not really sure where I was going with this and I apologize to anyone who actually takes the time to read this all the way through as it's late and I'm running on very little sleep. It's interesting though because I believe that these late night ramblings can sometimes be more insightful than things I might write on a full night of sleep because they are real and my internal filter isn't really on...only thing is, will they make sense if I read them tomorrow?